Tales of an Anxious Soul

***Trigger Warning*** For whatever reason, I’m still connected to the North Star page. Some of you may be familiar with them. They have been affiliated with conversion therapy in the past. These days they don’t send people to conversion therapy necessarily but the beliefs are still similar to conversion therapy. I have mentioned before that just being in the LDS church is a form of conversion therapy and here’s why. They talk about gender identity and sexuality as if they are addictions. You can be a fully active believing member of the LDS church if you continue to suppress the part of you that straight mormons deem sacred for themselves. Their heterosexuality is sacred. It defines their eternal existence. Your gayness is fake though. Your queerness is a trial given to you to overcome so please turn it off like a light switch and live a sad lonely existence, so Mormon God can be happy with you. I can’t imagine still being involved with that page like I wa...

Hello fellow humans 😍 As many of you know, I am currently in a two year therapeutic community for drug and alcohol treatment. I'm open about it. I have no shame in the fact that I have needed help. One of the beautiful things about this program is this letter you have to write about the worst time in your addiction, and what were some things that lead up to your substance abuse. You have to open up and put your balls to the wall. Really open up your old wounds and tell the 50 guys here everything about yourself so they can get some insight into what your life was like before coming into the program. It has been about a year since I read that letter in front of everyone who is in the program with me. After my last blog post I began reminiscing on that time, and I realized how much of a turning point it was in my program. (Side note: I know there are some good parts of the LDS church. It’s not all bad. But maybe that’s a bit Stockholm syndrome(ish) of me. And no. My whole life w...

Dear Everybody, I realize that in my last post, I did not give the necessary credit to my parents. This process has been very emotional, and a big learning experience for my whole family and I. My parents I have learned are my biggest cheerleaders. I should have known that before, but due to my own stubborn way of thinking and over analyzing I thought they wouldn't like the idea of me being so open about these struggles. I couldn't have been further from the truth. I had an amazing conversation with each of them separately yesterday and was able to explain why I had those uncertain thoughts before. I seriously could not have asked for better parents. Sure this is a lot for them to wrap their minds around. They have their own emotions they have to go through and figure out as do I with my emotions. They as parents naturally think of ways they could have prevented various things from happening and ways they could have protected me from people at school, my negative thoughts,...

I am new to this whole blogging concept but I don't know any other way to get my thoughts across clearly. As many of you may know, I am currently and have been for a while now preparing to serve an LDS mission. whether that's a service mission or a full time mission it doesn't matter. It's a mission no matter what. It has been an interesting journey for sure. When I first began seriously considering serving a mission I had expressed past feelings of anxiety, depression,  and yes some minor self infliction as well as using substances to numb the pain. While these things at the time were somewhat under control I was directed to LDS family services, to go through some assessments to see if I was in the position to be away for a whole two years. After taking a series of tests. I met with the counselor and we discussed it may be best if I wait a little bit and perhaps move out of my parents house so I could work on managing my stress and anxiety levels. I'm going to b...