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LDS North Star Community. Conversion Therapy Rebranded

***Trigger Warning***
















For whatever reason, I’m still connected to the North Star page. Some of you may be familiar with them. They have been affiliated with conversion therapy in the past. These days they don’t send people to conversion therapy necessarily but the beliefs are still similar to conversion therapy. I have mentioned before that just being in the LDS church is a form of conversion therapy and here’s why. They talk about gender identity and sexuality as if they are addictions. You can be a fully active believing member of the LDS church if you continue to suppress the part of you that straight mormons deem sacred for themselves. Their heterosexuality is sacred. It defines their eternal existence. Your gayness is fake though. Your queerness is a trial given to you to overcome so please turn it off like a light switch and live a sad lonely existence, so Mormon God can be happy with you. I can’t imagine still being involved with that page like I was back during my “pray the ga…

Allowing Yourself the Freedom to Love Yourself

When I was still believing that I had to be LDS to be happy and full of joy, I was trying to think of any way possible that I could have kids as an LGBTQ individual and have them sealed to me or my family. I came up with the crazy idea of having my parents adopt my kids. That way my kids would be able to be sealed to my parents, and since I was still a member of the church they would in a way be sealed to me. If I was married to a guy who was also Mormon then we would in a way be sealed, because you aren't just sealed to your immediate family. Since everyone is connected, everyone who becomes sealed is in a way sealed as this large "eternal family" This was my "loophole" since I would not be allowed in the temple if I was married to someone that I love. Love is only possible between one man and one woman in the LDS gospel.  I remember calling my mom when I came up with this grand plan. Looking back I am grateful for her response. I think she had become very ca…

Don't Bloom Where You are Planted. Transplant.

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So, I went to an LGBTQ inclusive medical office today. 
I'll be honest it is still the weirdest feeling for me to be openly accepted and validated as a queer person. I still felt like I had to tip toe around sexual topics and questions I had. Sex ed growing up was straight sex ed, and they promoted abstinence. They did not prepare you for reality. It was such a foreign experience being accepted on that level. Sometimes I feel like me being accepted as a queer person is wrong because it is the opposite from what I got growing up in the LDS church. Gay is wrong and I should not be so comfortable with myself. I should not seek pure joy outside of the LDS church. I should not find someone to spend the rest of my life with. I should “choose to be straight”. God will not love me or support me if I love a man. I’ll be seen as dirty. A sexual deviant. President Dallin H Oaks and the rest of the revelators think that my life is one big grievous sin. I am a lost sheep who has been deceived b…

Exorcising the Mormon Demons of My Past

Hello fellow humans 😍

As many of you know, I am currently in a two year therapeutic community for drug and alcohol treatment. I'm open about it. I have no shame in the fact that I have needed help. One of the beautiful things about this program is this letter you have to write about the worst time in your addiction, and what were some things that lead up to your substance abuse. You have to open up and put your balls to the wall. Really open up your old wounds and tell the 50 guys here everything about yourself so they can get some insight into what your life was like before coming into the program. It has been about a year since I read that letter in front of everyone who is in the program with me. After my last blog post I began reminiscing on that time, and I realized how much of a turning point it was in my program.

(Side note: I know there are some good parts of the LDS church. It’s not all bad. But maybe that’s a bit Stockholm syndrome(ish) of me. And no. My whole life wasn’…