Allowing Yourself the Freedom to Love Yourself
When I was still believing that I had to be LDS to be happy and full of joy, I was trying to think of any way possible that I could have kids as an LGBTQ individual and have them sealed to me or my family. I came up with the crazy idea of having my parents adopt my kids. That way my kids would be able to be sealed to my parents, and since I was still a member of the church they would in a way be sealed to me. If I was married to a guy who was also Mormon then we would in a way be sealed, because you aren't just sealed to your immediate family. Since everyone is connected, everyone who becomes sealed is in a way sealed as this large "eternal family" This was my "loophole" since I would not be allowed in the temple if I was married to someone that I love. Love is only possible between one man and one woman in the LDS gospel.
I remember calling my mom when I came up with this grand plan. Looking back I am grateful for her response. I think she had become very careful with how we talked about religion and she let me process in my own way. She said "Yeah, you are definitely onto something. That is possible, but it is also unnecessary. You do not need to put yourself through that to try to be happy." She enjoyed my creativity but reassured me that I am OK just living my life and being a good person. I have since left the church, so I think that means I'm not sealed to anyone because I'm basically not baptized these days since I excommunicated the church from my life. Religion is such a strange thing and the root of so much physiological warfare.
I really hope LGBTQ individuals begin to see the writings on the walls sooner than later before the suicide rate increases even more. If you feel the need to stick it out, I get it. However, Stockholm syndrome is a real thing. It is OK to step away, leave, and do what you need to survive, instead of trying to be accepted by some god who if exists, already loves you just the way you are. There is no need to change, alter, confess your love as a sin, or suck up to anyone. Love who you love. If you allow yourself that freedom, you will learn to love and accept yourself instead of continually living in Mormon shame 😘 🌈
Until next time,
Zachary
As I wrote earlier, I would hope every young LGBTQ Mormon who has been made to feel guilt and shame by his/her/their homophobic church authorities will find and read your blog. You have found YOUR truth—and unlike the church’s 'truth,' yours really is setting you free! You may already be aware of this, but there is a recent book by Gregory A Prince titled Gay Rights and the Mormon Church, Intended Actions, Unintended Consequences (Salt Lake City, University of Utah Press, 2019); it is an unparalleled reference on the history and consequences (e.g., suicide, PTSD, and more) of the homophobia practiced by Mormon officialdom during our lifetimes. There are some helpful reviews of the book available online. I read the ones posted by readers at amazon.com, and an especially detailed one at http://associationmormonletters.org/blog/reviews/older-reviews/prince-gay-rights-and-the-mormon-church-intended-actions-unintended-consequences-reviewed-by-andrew-hamilton/. Having subsequently purchased and read Dr. Prince’s book, I can wholeheartedly recommend it to every LGBTQ Mormon or ex-Mormon who has struggled to find, accept and learn to love themselves just the way they are. It may not have been the author's intention, but his book helps us to see who were the real villains, and who were their all-too-trusting victims, in this painful history.
ReplyDeleteGary S, Indianapolis