Tales of an Anxious Soul

Hello fellow humans 😍 As many of you know, I am currently in a two year therapeutic community for drug and alcohol treatment. I'm open about it. I have no shame in the fact that I have needed help. One of the beautiful things about this program is this letter you have to write about the worst time in your addiction, and what were some things that lead up to your substance abuse. You have to open up and put your balls to the wall. Really open up your old wounds and tell the 50 guys here everything about yourself so they can get some insight into what your life was like before coming into the program. It has been about a year since I read that letter in front of everyone who is in the program with me. After my last blog post I began reminiscing on that time, and I realized how much of a turning point it was in my program. (Side note: I know there are some good parts of the LDS church. It’s not all bad. But maybe that’s a bit Stockholm syndrome(ish) of me. And no. My whole life w...

The week of November 4th, 2015,  changed the course of my life, the dynamic of my family, and the way I saw the world. The November policy had permanent effects. I have been publicly open about my sexuality since I published my blog on October 1, 2014. I was trying to make sense of religion and sexuality. In the beginning, I was trying to find any way possible to be Mormon and gay. According to the Bishops I had during that time  fram e ,  it was just not possible. I went back and forth trying to reconcile being celibate for the rest of my life because, at the time, I thoroughly believed my eternal salvation was on the line. I was taught to have blind faith, follow the prophet; he is the voice of the lord. Don't question it. I was taught that if you struggle with any sinful thought, feeling, or behavior you talk to your bishop   The first time I was heavily set on leaving the LDS church was when I went to see my bishop shortly after I was taken advantage of. ...

I am new to this whole blogging concept but I don't know any other way to get my thoughts across clearly. As many of you may know, I am currently and have been for a while now preparing to serve an LDS mission. whether that's a service mission or a full time mission it doesn't matter. It's a mission no matter what. It has been an interesting journey for sure. When I first began seriously considering serving a mission I had expressed past feelings of anxiety, depression,  and yes some minor self infliction as well as using substances to numb the pain. While these things at the time were somewhat under control I was directed to LDS family services, to go through some assessments to see if I was in the position to be away for a whole two years. After taking a series of tests. I met with the counselor and we discussed it may be best if I wait a little bit and perhaps move out of my parents house so I could work on managing my stress and anxiety levels. I'm going to b...