Parents are everything, and forgivness of those who have wronged you is possible.

Dear Everybody,

I realize that in my last post, I did not give the necessary credit to my parents. This process has been very emotional, and a big learning experience for my whole family and I. My parents I have learned are my biggest cheerleaders. I should have known that before, but due to my own stubborn way of thinking and over analyzing I thought they wouldn't like the idea of me being so open about these struggles. I couldn't have been further from the truth. I had an amazing conversation with each of them separately yesterday and was able to explain why I had those uncertain thoughts before. I seriously could not have asked for better parents. Sure this is a lot for them to wrap their minds around. They have their own emotions they have to go through and figure out as do I with my emotions. They as parents naturally think of ways they could have prevented various things from happening and ways they could have protected me from people at school, my negative thoughts, and even ways the same gender thoughts could have been prevented. 

I have been able to explain to my parents though that no matter what they would have done differently, I would have still had these thoughts about other guys. I would have still been bullied and picked on. I also feel as though I may have still had the negative and suicidal thoughts. I was truly blessed with this struggle and with these experiences. I know that sounds so ridiculous! Why on earth would someone be thankful for something so crappy? The answer. Although still ridiculous, is simple. These experiences and struggles have help form me into the person I am today. I can relate to a lot of people and help them know they are not alone! I have also learned the true meaning of forgiveness and moving on passed the awkward stages of Jr. High and High school. 

About two years ago, I messaged all the guys who I had felt wronged me in Jr. High and High school. I know it might have been weird for them to receive my messages. I didn't do it for them though. I needed to feel piece and I needed to move passed all the hurt feelings I had. I let them know that what was said was not true and that it is so insane the amount of rumors that get passed from person to person in Jr. High and High school. I told them that while they may never change, I still forgive them for what they did to me. 

I truly have felt peace from that experience. I rarely think about that dark time I went through in Jr. High and all the rumors that continued to spread in High school. It was not easy though to get over that. Don't get me wrong.  I had pure hatred towards those guys for the longest time. I mean, after all it did take me a good 5 or 6 years to get over what they said. I know there are people who have been through worse stuff though from bullies, and I don't want to down play that. One of the reasons it took me so long to talk about this openly is because I know there are people who have it much worse then I do, and I don't want to sound like I think I have it any worse than them. I just know now that if I can get over the hatred that I had and all of those negative thoughts, then it is possible for everyone to forgive to a point those who have wronged them. It will take longer for some people depending on the circumstances but for the sake of your eternal happiness I suggest we all start today. Start thinking of all the grudges you have held onto for days, months, and even years. Ask yourself why you have held onto the hatred and search within yourself. Maybe the reason you were offended or hurt is because there is some truth behind what people have said (like in my case). I may not have had a crush on that guy but I was struggling with being attracted to other guys! I hadn't talked to anyone about my attractions so why was everyone talking about something I hadn't even opened up about? Another reason may be, you were picked on for your looks, or the way you talk. Maybe people made fun of you because you got pregnant in High school, or you made a mistake and participated a little too much in a party once in high school and word got out. Anyone who makes fun of people because of mistakes that have been made or because of a certain way they were born are just overcompensating for their own insecurities. They are bullies. They are unhappy with something in their life and they look for outlets to give a fake appearance. They want to come off as all high and mighty. Really though, deep down they are just a shriveled up cold soul that needs to be shown love. One quote that relates to this very well is "What Susie says of Sally, says more of Susie than of Sally." The next time you see or hear someone saying something you know is far fetched or not true, just know that the person saying it is covering something up. 

My wish for all of us is to be able to at least try to be sensitive and understanding of others circumstances. I don't care what people say. Sticks and stones may break bones but words still do hurt! Even if something is slightly true you should think to your self. "Does this really matter? What will I get out of sharing this information?" Chances are you wont get anything positive out of it. You don't want to be put in a situation where you may feel guilty about a death, or someone's attempt to kill themselves due to something you said or participated in spreading. Now, I am not saying that the people who spread rumors are responsible for suicides of others. That is not true at all. I do imagine though that the people who talk crap, spread rumors or pseudo rumors for the most part do have a great deal of guilt. If death is certainly a possible outcome of hurt feelings then why even risk the harsh words? 

We are all placed on this earth for a reason. No matter what God you believe in, we do come from the same one. I know that there is purpose to life and we are all here to learn how to love and accept each other. We don't have to agree with choices others make. Keep in mind though that you do not need to vote a certain way or think the same way in order to be loving and caring for those around you. We are all brothers and sisters essentially and should learn to see each other as such. We don't have anymore room for bullying, rumors, or bigotry on this earth. Lets all re-evaluate ourselves and our views of others and change whatever we need to. I love you guys! Sorry for the rant but I felt like it was necessary ;)

Until next time,

-Anxious Soul