Tales of an Anxious Soul

The week of November 4th, 2015,  changed the course of my life, the dynamic of my family, and the way I saw the world. The November policy had permanent effects. I have been publicly open about my sexuality since I published my blog on October 1, 2014. I was trying to make sense of religion and sexuality. In the beginning, I was trying to find any way possible to be Mormon and gay. According to the Bishops I had during that time  fram e ,  it was just not possible. I went back and forth trying to reconcile being celibate for the rest of my life because, at the time, I thoroughly believed my eternal salvation was on the line. I was taught to have blind faith, follow the prophet; he is the voice of the lord. Don't question it. I was taught that if you struggle with any sinful thought, feeling, or behavior you talk to your bishop   The first time I was heavily set on leaving the LDS church was when I went to see my bishop shortly after I was taken advantage of. ...

To whoever stumbles upon this: Let me first start off by saying, I am NOT in conversion therapy, I cant believe people still think I am.  I am in addiction recovery. Homosexuality is NOT an addiction despite what some may think. I am learning how to love life and live life without drugs or alcohol.  Before coming into treatment I was a resentful person (still working on it but getting better). Resentful towards family, towards friends, towards religion as a whole. I took things so personally when it came to any form of mistreatment of people who are marginalized and pushed to the side. Everything was about me. I automatically started hating people based off of one ignorant opinion or comment. Instead of seeing it as a teaching opportunity I automatically turned to hate. I didn't have a healthy way to process the feelings of betrayal, anger, disappointment, and lack of self love I had bottled up and developed over the years.Growing up. I had set up little mental blocks t...

As most of you have realized, I am still home. I fell a few weeks back and we thought I might have broken one of my ribs. Luckily though it is just soft tissue damage. I am waiting to heal before I begin the program at the ranch. I thought I would open up about this addiction I have. One thing that I don't vocalize enough is how annoying it is when people tell me what my addiction is. They honestly have no idea. It's not their fault though. I haven't told people everything. I am not an alcoholic. It is just legal and you can get it cheap. I am addicted to something though. I am addicted to blurring out my thoughts and numbing the pain that life causes or seems to cause at times. I also have become the master of sabotaging my life and those around me. I adapt very easily and I find the next thing to numb how I am feeling. For a little moment in high-school (around junior and senior year) that would have been binging and purging, only eating one time a day, overuse of laxat...

I thought about making my title “This is Where I Leave You Part II” but I decided against it because I’m not leaving for a permanent period, I’m just going away for a while. I need help. I’m not afraid to share that publicly, because honestly I’m just happy I’m alive. The last few months have been some of the toughest in terms of depression. Stopping my medication really threw me for a loop and I honestly have never fantasized about suicide more frequently. At one point I started outweighing the pros and cons. I even priced out the funeral expenses. Things were getting really out of hand in my head. With all of that being said, my drinking has gotten even further out of hand. Mostly to fill in my void of happiness. In the past I have had more of a dependency, with multiple drunken nights. However now I literally have been drinking every day. When I’m not drinking I think about when I can drink next. It always seems like the next drink is the cure. Obviously that’s not true, but that ...