Tales of an Anxious Soul

As most of you have realized, I am still home. I fell a few weeks back and we thought I might have broken one of my ribs. Luckily though it is just soft tissue damage. I am waiting to heal before I begin the program at the ranch. I thought I would open up about this addiction I have. One thing that I don't vocalize enough is how annoying it is when people tell me what my addiction is. They honestly have no idea. It's not their fault though. I haven't told people everything. I am not an alcoholic. It is just legal and you can get it cheap. I am addicted to something though. I am addicted to blurring out my thoughts and numbing the pain that life causes or seems to cause at times. I also have become the master of sabotaging my life and those around me. I adapt very easily and I find the next thing to numb how I am feeling. For a little moment in high-school (around junior and senior year) that would have been binging and purging, only eating one time a day, overuse of laxat...

I thought about making my title “This is Where I Leave You Part II” but I decided against it because I’m not leaving for a permanent period, I’m just going away for a while. I need help. I’m not afraid to share that publicly, because honestly I’m just happy I’m alive. The last few months have been some of the toughest in terms of depression. Stopping my medication really threw me for a loop and I honestly have never fantasized about suicide more frequently. At one point I started outweighing the pros and cons. I even priced out the funeral expenses. Things were getting really out of hand in my head. With all of that being said, my drinking has gotten even further out of hand. Mostly to fill in my void of happiness. In the past I have had more of a dependency, with multiple drunken nights. However now I literally have been drinking every day. When I’m not drinking I think about when I can drink next. It always seems like the next drink is the cure. Obviously that’s not true, but that ...

Hello my fellow people of  the inter-web.  As most of us know June kicks of PRIDE season. This is not a protest. It is a celebration. Celebration of life, self love, self expression, and self acceptance. I have only been able to attend PRIDE once in my life, before that experience I was under the false impression that it was a sin to embrace myself for who I am. Growing up gay and Mormon, it does some damage to your self image. You are taught constantly about Gods love, and how he loves all of his children. People will even try and justify why they are so against the LGBTQ community by saying they "love the sinner, hate the sin". I have news for all of you though. That mentality is so unhealthy, inconsiderate, closed minded, and no mater how nice you seem, it is hate. You may have love for some of us in the LGBTQ community but your love is full of conditions.  Recently someone tried telling me about a General Conference talk that was about love. While that topic sound...

Dear Presidency, I have been a loyal and believing member of the church my whole life up until a few years ago. I am gay, and because of that there is no place for me in this organization. I know many will try to make it work, try to justify your policies, and try to find a footing. Though if I ever found a bishop who loved and accepted me and gave me a calling like many have done (maybe without your knowledge). Who’s to say my next bishop would continue treating me like a human being? There is a growing pandemic in your midst that you seem to be oblivious to. Gay people are real. Yes I know you think we should all just be celibate and be alone the rest of our lives. If we embrace the church as the true and living word of God then we should be set for life. Have you thought what it would be like without your spouses? What if you flipped the roles? I may be leaving the church and its patriarchy, but you can still do something to help the youth and many others who feel lik...

You have been a part of my life for nineteen years. This is where I leave you. It was good until it wasn't. I stayed until I felt like death would be better. This is where I leave you. Why do you feel the need to be so complex? You have the meaning of life, but in the end, that meaning did not apply to me. I cannot conform to your idea of a man. I won't conform to the ideas of societies and organizations. I am me, myself, and I. You live in a box, and if people step out of that box they are wrong. We are raised to believe one thing. We are raised to be closed minded. We are raised to "love" but with conditions. We are raised to be "Christian" but not Christian. You are right. Everyone else is wrong, but at least you try to sound nice. You say things with "love" but when you break your love down, it is only conditional, gut wrenching, and distasteful. You say God loves us the most but if your Gods love is tha...

The first Sunday in January I was blessed to be able to attend church with my friend Tori. I hadn't been in a while due to my past work schedule. I figured this would be a great way to ring in the new year, and it most certainly was. The Pastor that was speaking that day focused on the idea that churches gravitate towards the letter of the law and while doing that they lose the idea and concept of grace. He began to discuss the story of the adulterer. The people were so ready to stone her to death because at that time in history that was the penalty. Christ had the opportunity to follow through with the word of the law. What did he do instead? He approached her and I imagine him going down to her level, holding her and looking her in her eyes and saying "Go thy way, and sin no more."  Some of you who are reading this may not believe in religion, God, or Jesus. That is totally fine. I get it. But I have really had a hard time with various religious individuals, chur...