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Wednesday, May 20, 2015

This is Real, This is Me. I'm Exactly Who I'm Supposed to be.

So here's the thing. In the beginning of my journey of coming out I stated that I had SSA and I really believed that I could either live my life remaining celibate and alone, or I could lie to myself and live in a heterosexual relationship and have a family. I know that there are people who find ways for either of those options to work for them. For me however, that is not the case. Most of you who are in the church you will remain set in your ways and not see this from mine or my families point of view because you either don't want to understand, or you see me as someone who has "given up on the fight" and you are disappointed. I have decided to just not care what people think. This journey has really helped me see the difference between those who love unconditionally vs. those who love with conditions. One thing in life that I strongly believe in is that we all need to find what makes us happy. I don't know about you but my long term idea of happiness is being able to settle down with the love of my life and start a family. I just happen to be attracted to guys.

I have noticed an ignorance/double standard with various people in the church. When the topic of gay marriage comes up a lot of members will actually support or agree with the idea of people being able to be happily married. I have talked to individuals who say that they don't agree with their religion dictating how other people who don't share the same beliefs live their lives. I was surprised when I finally came out as gay that some people had actually shifted their views on that topic because now they were "directly affected" by the issue. I know that the road ahead of me will be rocky in terms of processing peoples reaction to this. I know there is a chance that certain family members may turn away from me, may not allow me around their kids possibly (so I don't "confuse" them), and they will probably always call who ever I'm dating my "friend". Who cares though? I hope that that doesnt happen and that my family will be accepting. I am just incredibly happy that I have found those individuals who I can go to for advice, love, and support. I am happy to say that some of the main people I can go to are my parents and my grandparents. They have seriously helped me out so much the last couple of weeks.

This whole journey the last few months and weeks has brought me so much closer to my parents and my grandparents, it's insane! I am so blessed to have people in my family who are so willing to see things from my perspective. They want to be understanding and they want to help. I really do believe that people in my position are born gay, bi, lesbian, or with gender dysphoria to test those around them. We are here to test peoples love and to help expand their views on how they view people. Those of us in the LGBT community are weird to people around us and they don't know what its like to live in a world that can be very un-accepting, and judgmental. So they start regurgitating what they have been taught over and over to believe. They have no idea how to help so they tell you to pray and to read your scriptures. I do believe in the scriptures and I also believe in prayer, but that's just an easy answer for some people to say because they don't know what else to say.

I know a lot of you are probably thinking that I am letting this all define me. The truth is though... This is all new for me. I may be letting it define me at the moment but I do plan on getting to the point where its not a topic of conversation all the time. I plan on dating. I plan on being married, and I do see myself adopting kids. Whether or not this all happens? I have no idea! But I'm excited to watch it all unfold. I know I will lose people in my life due to this and their lack of understanding, but that's fine with me. It's not worth it for me to focus on that negativity. I'm happy to have those in my life who love me without conditions. They have saved my life for more than one reason. I'm not sure what my blog will be like now, but I would like to get away from the gay topic eventually because I don't think it's necessary for me to keep focusing on it. I feel like I have gotten enough of my point of view across on here. It's up to you how you respond to it and how you are going to let it effect you. Just know that I am happy and I still plan on being as involved with the Mormon church as much as I can be.

Until next time,

Zac Jones (anxioussoul)