Translate Blog

Monday, April 27, 2015

Confessions of a Gay Mormon

As many of you know I have been going through a lot lately. When I say a lot I really do mean A LOT. I won't get too into it with you because it will literally make you so depressed you will not want to finish reading. I'm ok now though!

I know when I originally started this blog I stated that I had or was living with SSA. I have since then changed my stance. No I didn't change it, I am just now getting to the point where I am comfortable saying "yes. I am gay". Now, I have no idea what this means for me. As for right now I can not see myself marrying a guy or doing anything like that, but I do know that I have been really depressed because I have not felt completely like myself. I have felt lost and alone. I know my "changed point of view" will upset some people, and to be honest that's perfectly fine. You have no idea how hard this is for me or how hard it is staying in the church while also being crazy attracted to guys. I can not even count all of the nights ive cried myself to sleep, or the nights I did sleep and I just did not ever want to wake up. I grew up hating myself. I hated myself not because of how I was raised, or because of anyone specifically, but I hated myself because I liked guys and that's "an obomination".

I think when outsiders look into this situation or situations like mine, they just dispise gays, and any form of homosexual activity because they dont understand it, and they just don't want to. A lot of people see it as a choice. Why on earth would I choose this? That is the most outlandish thing I think anyone could say to a gay individual. There are actual emotions, feelings, and physical attractions that are all intertwined to this. I need an emotional connection, I want to be able to be effectionate with someone. I want to be comfortable in my own skin, and with my life.

I want everyone to know that I do plan on staying in the church. I just need to be open on here because that seems to help me be more comfortable. Sorry if this disappoints any of you, please don't send me messages trying to "save" me or "bring me back". I am here. This is me. I'm Zac and I am gay.