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Wednesday, December 20, 2017

Nose Candy: Tales of a Disaster Artist

As most of you have realized, I am still home. I fell a few weeks back and we thought I might have broken one of my ribs. Luckily though it is just soft tissue damage. I am waiting to heal before I begin the program at the ranch.

I thought I would open up about this addiction I have. One thing that I don't vocalize enough is how annoying it is when people tell me what my addiction is. They honestly have no idea. It's not their fault though. I haven't told people everything. I am not an alcoholic. It is just legal and you can get it cheap. I am addicted to something though. I am addicted to blurring out my thoughts and numbing the pain that life causes or seems to cause at times. I also have become the master of sabotaging my life and those around me. I adapt very easily and I find the next thing to numb how I am feeling. For a little moment in high-school (around junior and senior year) that would have been binging and purging, only eating one time a day, overuse of laxatives, taking a blade to my wrist, and overdosing on Xanax resulting in going to the hospital. Over the years I have become quite the disaster artist.

I would say on average most people in the LGBTQ community (not everyone but a good majority) know they are different by the age of 12. Granted I knew in kindergarten that something was different with me. I have spent around 14-15 years beating myself up and going to internal war with myself and the indoctrinated beliefs that were ingrained into my soul. Beliefs that inadvertently promote self hate and doubt about your purpose in life.

When I came out for real, I say "for real" because when I came out as struggling with SSA (same sex attraction) I was just cheating myself. I officially came out when I said I was gay, I was going to date guys, and I plan to marry. It does not make sense to be gay and Mormon. I was trying to appease people in the church. I got so many messages of praise in the beginning. "I am so proud of you for not giving in" things that far right christian conservative people think are such positive messages but really are not. I saw how a lot of the people in the church really felt and it made me feel like a side show. They only supported me because I was not going to actively date. They were proud of me pretending to be something I wasn't. When I came out (as gay), I had to struggle with the idea that some family and close friends will still have those beliefs, they will still see you as a sinner. They may love and support you but with conditions. The church and churchgoers teach that being gay is not a sin. However all they are saying is it is not a sin to acknowledge you are attracted to the same sex. That's how the church and many in it make it sound like they are progressive. In reality though all they are saying is it is not a sin to acknowledge your attraction. If you were to date, have sex, get married then you are sinning and the act is an abomination. You are an apostate and you have turned away from the Lord. I have felt a spiritual void, not for leaving the church but because I am now needing to rediscover everything for myself. You are indoctrinated for so long that when you leave, it's like... Ok now what?

Coming out caused all of these feelings towards individuals and the church leadership to be heightened. Especially when it was released how the suicide rate has tripled in Utah, and it is now the leading cause of death from youth ages 10-17 in Utah. People seemed confused by how that could be. It is obvious though. I started really struggling with the idea that in every ward there is a young child somewhere struggling like I did, being taught things that cause them to go to war with themselves. They hear their parents, siblings, extended family say things that are off colored. They suffer in silence. I feel the pain and I don't know how to shut it off. There are young people everywhere dealing with the thought that their parents wont love them if they opened up about their sexuality. There are kids dying from the words and beliefs of family, close friends. People feeling pressured and cornered into serving Mormon missions thinking that it will subside their feelings, thinking it will help them be cured or be able to keep their true self locked up.

This has become something that consumes me and has caused me to want to withdraw from people and society. I will always be passionate about the harmful teachings and the safety of the youth. However, I need to find a healthy route. I cannot take on everyone's pain because it leads me down a dark path. I need to learn how to keep other peoples pain from leading me into depression and despair by harming myself, over eating, binge drinking, eating too little, or overusing medication, and the list goes on. I need a better way to channel these emotions. That is why I am ready to submit to treatment. I need to be in tough situations and learn how to handle them. I need to have a break from everything and build myself from the bottom to the top.

Now, this title may be a little questionable and strange. Nose candy? Yes that is in reference to cocaine. I recently had my mind opened to a realization about myself. It was when I really understood WTF is going on with me. I had been dating this guy. I knew he had a past with coke, but I also knew it had been months since he had last done anything. I was willing to give him a chance. Anyways long story short, He knew I had an addictive personality and mentality. He knew what I was dealing with. He ended up doing coke in front of me after I had vocalized my frustrations even. In that moment I knew that if I even tried it then I would have found the next destructive thing in my life. I never tried it and I am grateful I didn't. We also did not last for much longer. I could not get over the fact that he knew I was going into treatment and he was still willing to do that and destroy anything we had going.

I am addicted to ruining my life and overusing. In a sense I have the Midas Touch. I am in search for the antidote.

I am scared, anxious, and extremely nervous about this next chapter but I am extremely hopeful about the outcome. I keep seeing this future in front of me and I hope and pray I am able to obtain it. I am ready to find myself.