Convalescing.

I thought about making my title “This is Where I Leave You Part II” but I decided against it because I’m not leaving for a permanent period, I’m just going away for a while. I need help. I’m not afraid to share that publicly, because honestly I’m just happy I’m alive. The last few months have been some of the toughest in terms of depression. Stopping my medication really threw me for a loop and I honestly have never fantasized about suicide more frequently. At one point I started outweighing the pros and cons. I even priced out the funeral expenses. Things were getting really out of hand in my head.

With all of that being said, my drinking has gotten even further out of hand. Mostly to fill in my void of happiness. In the past I have had more of a dependency, with multiple drunken nights. However now I literally have been drinking every day. When I’m not drinking I think about when I can drink next. It always seems like the next drink is the cure. Obviously that’s not true, but that is what it feels like. I literally feel happiest when I’ve drank. In the end though all it does is lead me to being a disappointment. Or at least my choices.

Alcohol is clearly an issue, but there are underlying issues I’ve yet to move on from. If you’ve followed my blog at all you know I grew up Mormon. Up until I was 21 I went along with the idea that who I am is wrong. The church, or at least people in it may try to say differently now, but that is the teachings I grew up on. I grew up with this inner turmoil of wanting to love myself and accept myself but it was frowned upon for my people. I was so invested in this damaged way of thinking that even now that I’ve come out and legitimately left the church I still struggle with how I see myself. I also struggle with how the world sees me. Specifically my LDS friends and some of my family. Because I know a lot of them still have those viewpoints.

My family and I have found a place I’m hoping to get into. It is a minimum of two years in the program. It’s been said that it takes two years to break habits and rewire your brain from substance abuse and trauma. In order to do that though I will have no contact with most of you for the better part of two years. Our struggle in the beginning was the fact that this program is run by a guy who is LDS. We weren’t sure if that meant it was conversion therapy or what. Luckily that’s not the case. I am still stressed out because it is only men I will be around, and 1 out of the 39 are opening gay. I struggle with being around straight guys. Mostly because of how life was in elementary to high school. However, I know that there’s a decent amount of hetero men who are open minded and don’t care that I’m gay. I just need to get over this mental hump.

I have been so stuck on the past and it has caused a huge ripple effect in my life. I am hoping that working on this ranch becomes a reality. I want to use that time to get over my demons. I will never be Mormon again for very obvious reasons. However, I would like to have more of a  positive outlook on it. Otherwise it will keep controlling my life. I have subconsciously stepped away from a lot of my LDS friends because of my paranoia. I hear people say that they love and support me, but I really don’t know how far that support goes. If my rights were put on the chopping block again and needed to be voted for, I have no idea who’d show up. I know that’s probably crazy to say but that is my fear. It’s something I want to move past and over. I cannot afford to allow these fears to run my life.

Two years is a lot to ask of someone, but I need to remember I almost gave into serving an LDS mission. I also looked into Military, and the Peace Corps. I also was very close to ending everything all together, so I’m just happy to be alive. I’m happy I have this opportunity for growth. Some may struggle and believe that I should just go to a 30 day program or something like that, but most times people end up having to go back to that. I don’t want to run that risk.

Again, I am still not 100% sure if I’m getting into this program. I still need to talk to the case manager today and iron our some details, but if all goes well I could be starting this week. If I end up not getting in then we will go another route. We are really hoping for this though.

Thank you for continuing to read, and for your support.

Love,
Zac.

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