Translate Blog

Saturday, June 11, 2016

Your Pain in the Hands of Their Pleasure

Any names mentioned in this post have been replaced: 

Some of you may be friends with me on Facebook, and for those of you who are not; I have been posting quite a bit about rape, college rape, sexual misconduct, etc. I have emotions and feelings that are scattered all over the place when it comes to this topic because of the Mormon background I have, the fact that I'm gay, and I have found myself in a date rape situation a little over a year ago. Now, I in no way want to type this as a a way to have pity taken upon me. I'm not looking for peoples sympathy. What happened, happened and I have been able to move on. I do hope to be some sort of help to people. I have been very careful about putting this out there because of rape culture, and how people view those who have experienced sexual misconduct. 

I really don't have a specific order of how to go about typing this, as I said before my thoughts are kind of all over the place. I guess I could start from the beginning and go from there.

It is not secret that I have struggled with alcohol in the past. I have had many ups and downs when it comes to this. About a year ago in April I believe, I was at one of my friends houses. I showed up a little tipsy of course because at the time I was trying to self medicate and I was a mess. Aidan mentioned to my two other friends that I need to not go to alcohol as an escape. I needed to know I had friends I could go to when life got rough or I had heavy topics on my mind.

We all had an enjoyable rest of the night, at least that's how it seemed to me. My friends were really worried though. They weren't sure what to think about what was going on with me. Like I said before, I was tipsy not drunk. We hung out for several hours, even bleached my hair and tried to hide what was going on in my head. By the end of the night I was back to myself and we all went back to our houses. It was when I was leaving that one of my friends told me what Aidan had said. I really appreciated that! It made me happy to know that I had people who were genuinely concerned and there for me.

It was a few weeks later that I decided to see what Aidan was up to. I had just gotten off from work and I was free for a few hours. (DISCLAIMER: I was not intending to get drunk) I bought two LITTLE bottles of wine. You know, the ones that are ONE serving. I was not planning on staying long and I was planning on driving home on my own that night. I did not go to Aidan's thinking we were going to be alone either. I knew his roommate was there and I was excited to meet her. From what I remember she was pretty nice. My plans that night had gotten cancelled and when I was in the restroom Aidan took the wine and poured it into glasses. When I came out and took a sip I noticed it tasted different. It was not wine. He had given me a little bit of wine with a good amount of tequila. Like I mentioned before, I originally had plans but they got cancelled so I didn't really mind that I had tequila. What I didn't notice though... was the fact that he wasn't drinking. Aidan, the friend who had told my other friends I should not go to alcohol to escape was now letting me give in. The fact that he got me drunk to the point of blacking out eventually isn't necessarily the problem.

I still don't remember everything. I do remember different feelings though. I remember I left the apartment and was walking around the parking lot barefoot and shoeless crying. I'm not sure how long I was out there but it wasn't long before he convinced me to come back up. I then remember laying on the couch in the living room. I told him I was going to stay out there and not go back into his room since he had/has a boyfriend. Somehow I ended back in his room though and I remember more articles of clothing coming off and me trying to get out of his bed. He grabbed my arm and told me it was OK. Nobody was home. Where was his roommate? She had left I guess. We were all alone and I don't remember much dialogue I just remember different feelings and things that I wont go into detail on here about but you catch my drift I'm sure...

I found out later that Aidan called our friend and told her that I was drunk and I needed to get home because Aidan had to go to bed. I was hysterical when my friend and her husband got to Aidan's apartment. I was bawling and repeatedly telling them sorry. She later told me that she could tell there was something going on. There was nothing normal about what was going on. When they got me back home my friend and her husband gave Aidan a ride back home. He told them that I was drunk when I got to his place. He told them that I was drunk and emotional and that's when he called them to help get me home.

I woke up and I literally felt like shit. I knew I had definitely drank alot the night before but everything was fuzzy. I started having flashbacks day after day. Each day I would have more descriptive flashbacks. That's when I realized that he was definitely sober, and things definitely got physical between us. I hated myself. I was confused, I didn't know what to think.

Before I realized he was sober I started blaming myself for his failed relationship. I saw myself as a slut, a whore, a tramp. I had slept with someone who was in a relationship.

Once I finally realized I was intoxicated and he was completely sober, that's when the real self hate came into play. I realized how I had been used. I was just a toy to people. Nobody really loved me. How could I love myself if I was truly a worthless piece of shit? I was seeing myself the way he saw me. I also was telling myself that it's how everyone else saw me.

I remember being so zombie like. I would just stare at the road as I drove hoping that someone would ram into my car. I remember praying, hoping someone would just end my life. It sounds crazy how much I really hated myself. I literally saw my body as a piece of trash. I didn't want it anymore. Soon after all of this, I got so sick of my self hate. I decided to seek help from my bishop. Now looking back I realize that was not the best idea given the circumstance. I should have gone another route.

I was under the impression that bishops could give you guidance, help you through difficult times and just be a listening ear. Turns out that isn't always the case. When I walked into his office and we began talking, I opened up about everything and I shared with him everything I have shared with you. His immediate response though was not loving, caring, or thoughtful. He instead told me that the Stake President would see it as grounds for disciplinary council. I was not given helpful tools to get through this negative experience. Instead I was just given another negative experience. He told me that since I had broken a "lower law' which was drinking, then I basically chose to break a "higher law" and have sex, or be physical with someone of the same sex. This was basically the last straw for me in terms of Bishops. That's when I told my parents I was done.

With my experience set aside, lets bring to light the situations that happened at BYU. There were multiple men and women who came forward about sexual abuse and misconduct but they were not given helpful tools. Instead they were given discipline for breaking the "code of conduct". What about the men though? Where is their discipline? I know the school is since then trying to right their wrongs, but there is definitely a strong correlation with those scenarios and how various Bishops and Stake Presidents handle things.

Now in the news we have all heard about the Stanford Rapist. I cant even express how many heated emotions I have in regards to this case. I am in no way trying to compare the extreme case of the Stanford Rapist to my situation a year ago. I am just so frustrated with how people handle these topics. Why in todays society are we still turning heads away from the topic of rape. Why are the survivors the ones who are the culprits? Why are we looked down upon?

The cases are all very different from each other. There are so many different types of sexual misconduct, but why do we still shy away from talking about it? Why are people afraid of listening to the story from the survivors viewpoint? Yeah it may be depressing to listen to but imagine what that woman had to go through at that party. Imagine what anyone had to go through when it comes to this. You can handle 5-10 minutes of talking, listening, reading, or watching something.

When it comes to the topic of drinking, WHO CARES. Should you be careful who you drink with? Of course. However, most of the time it will be someone in your group of friends or family who will find pleasure in your pain. If you're not drunk, maybe something will be slipped into your drink, alcoholic drink or not! I get that your religion may focus so much on not drinking and whatnot. Is that really a reason to say that people "had it coming" or they "should have known better" or "I don't condone his behavior at all, but people should just not drink"? No. People should just not rape people that's that. Lets stop knocking those who are already down, further down. Shouldn't we try to help people? Boost them up and find justice? Where is the love? Im so sick of these double standards that people keep setting for themselves. Stop throwing stones at the wrong people. Take a step back and look at the actual problem at hand.

Until next time,

Zac