Greetings from the Flip Side

To whoever stumbles upon this:

Let me first start off by saying, I am NOT in conversion therapy, I cant believe people still think I am.

 I am in addiction recovery. Homosexuality is NOT an addiction despite what some may think. I am learning how to love life and live life without drugs or alcohol. 

Before coming into treatment I was a resentful person (still working on it but getting better). Resentful towards family, towards friends, towards religion as a whole. I took things so personally when it came to any form of mistreatment of people who are marginalized and pushed to the side. Everything was about me. I automatically started hating people based off of one ignorant opinion or comment. Instead of seeing it as a teaching opportunity I automatically turned to hate. I didn't have a healthy way to process the feelings of betrayal, anger, disappointment, and lack of self love I had bottled up and developed over the years.Growing up. I had set up little mental blocks to insure that I stayed in the LDS church. Call it my own little form of conversion therapy, although just being raised in a conservative social scene in it of itself is a form of conversion therapy (raised to be straight, not to love who you love, convinced to marry a woman to appear straight). I made sure I did things that made me further committed to the religion and locked me in (eternally speaking).

I remember the time I was preparing to get my Patriarchal blessing I was excited to see what god had in store for me if I stayed in the church and followed the teachings. I remember crying tears of (what I thought was joy) when I was told that if I stayed true to the teachings I would marry a woman after I returned home from my mission and I would have sons and daughters but more sons than daughters. My parents asked me if I was OK and I said "I'm happy, everything is going to be OK". I believed that my homosexuality was curable because of the blessing I had been given along with various priesthood blessings I had asked for from leaders. The idea of being an openly gay man terrified me because all you ever learn about is eternal marriage and families only having a mom and dad. For a time I even cut back on food intake to try to suppress my sexual urges. I would also wear a rubber band on my wrist to snap whenever I thought about a guy romantically. Two parents of the same gender have been called an "alternative" family from the church pulpit. A fake family. 

I believed this at one point. I even tried fast tracking going through the temple. In my head, if I went through the temple and did things that I thought I was supposed to do, then I would be held to a higher standard by god (my old version of God) since he would expect more from me because of the knowledge I would have gained from going through the temple.

I would not read into teachings or learn things for myself I just followed blindly and did as I was taught. I was told to believe so I did. I began to develop this idea that if I was to leave the church or find the love of my life then I would be going to hell or "Outer Darkness". I thought that I would lead a joyless life because I had heard talks in church where the leader said you can not find joy outside of the church. The only true joy in life comes from being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Granted that was my view as someone who WAS in the church but even after I left I still had this pit in my stomach. I think that was also a big contributing factor to the drinking. I was not allowing myself to process the decision of letting go of everything I had been brought up to know. Everything I thought I knew as facts. That was another main reason why I drank when I was around family, I isolated myself from friends, and I just wanted to live a numb life, die, and disappear into oblivion. 

I spent so many years blaming the church for how I was feeling when really it's OK. We all have a story to tell and if me experiencing all of these things have helped even one person because they know they aren't alone. Or even made one person think "hmm something needs to change so people aren't constantly feeling worthless in the eyes of God." EVERYTHING I have experienced has been worth it. My family never had an example of an open, affirming, accepting, loving family in the LDS church. Nobody talked openly about struggles or challenges in life. It was all white picket fences. We get to take this opportunity now to be the example that would have been nice back in the day. 

Coming into this program I knew I had a lot of resentments I needed to work on. I had a lot of self hate I still had to process through and diminish. That's one of the main reasons I came here. I didn't have much experience as a sober gay man so this was my first time really discovering myself. I knew I would be facing most of my triggers being here. There is a heavy LDS influence which caused me question who I could talk to about my struggles, It's all men (mostly straight of course), and in the beginning I was surrounded by 50 strangers.

I would not necessarily recommend this place as a gay friendly recovery center, because it's not. However it has been just what I needed to find myself and figure out how to stand up to things and defend the underdogs in a dignified manner. There are a lot of uneducated and closed minded individuals in this world and I have experienced that on a magnified scale here. It reminds me of an in person simulation of social media.  Reacting poorly, or out of emotion will have negative effects so I have learned little by little how to breath deep and choose my battles. Decide who is worth your time to educate. Being here has been the best thing that could have ever happened to me. Granted, When I first got here I would avoid the bathroom because I didn't want to make people feel uncomfortable, I would change pronouns in conversations so people weren't constantly reminded that I am gay, I made comments about women so I would fit in. I shut down and had a few low points. Now due to me finally opening up about my discomfort and frustrations, people have opened up a little more. It has been amazing looking back and seeing my evolution. I have began to find myself and not filter myself. I have come out of my shell. Of course you say anything gay around some people they automatically think you are putting it in their face or letting it define you. Lets be honest though being straight defines you on this earth. Everything is catered towards heterosexuality. As I have said before I am done living for other peoples comfort. This has helped me find out who my closest friends are in the program and it will help when I graduate too. I have more love for myself then I ever have had before. I am still processing some old negative thoughts due to how I conditioned myself in the past with the religion I was raised in, but I recently heard a song " The Village" by Wrabel which has been my go to anthem lately (You should watch the video. I'll touch your heart and break it slightly). 

"One page of the Bible (or any religious book) isn't worth a life" 

I have continually had to tell myself that to bring me back to reality. It is so easy to get caught up in dogma when that's all you have to go off of. I have been so blessed to have this chance to really find myself and find my own beliefs and sift through the negative BS. I have been working on rebuilding the relationships with those closest to me. I am extremely lucky to have the parents and family that I have. I took all of the supportive people in my life for granted. I literally walked all over people and became such a selfish individual. I am learning to just slow down and let life happen. After all you only get one. So when you have the choice of right or wrong, chose kind to be kind to yourself and others. Always encourage and help those around you live their authentic selves. 


-Zac 💙



**I realize that the LDS church isn't going to change its stance on sexuality or gender identity anytime soon. LGBTQIA individuals are still going to feel the need to live a heterosexual life and conduct their own conversion therapy due to the shame and teachings they are presented. I can't change that, just like people outside of the church couldn't have convinced me of happiness outside of the bubble when I was in the church still. I hope to help others who have had similar experiences and wish to live as their authentic selves and feel trapped. There is a way out and there are people who love you just the way you are.