I was 100% sure that I never would marry a woman and there was no need to. I needed to find a new path other than the path I was born on. I needed to live for my own happiness and not the happiness of others. This is my story, my journey, my beliefs. I hope that what I say on here will be of help to those who have had similar struggles.
Wednesday, February 22, 2017
This is where I Leave You
You have been a part of my life for nineteen years. This is where I leave you.
It was good until it wasn't. I stayed until I felt like death would be better.
This is where I leave you.
Why do you feel the need to be so complex? You have the meaning of life,
but in the end, that meaning did not apply to me.
I cannot conform to your idea of a man.
I won't conform to the ideas of societies and organizations.
I am me, myself, and I.
You live in a box, and if people step out of that box they are wrong.
We are raised to believe one thing.
We are raised to be closed minded.
We are raised to "love" but with conditions.
We are raised to be "Christian" but not Christian.
You are right. Everyone else is wrong, but at least you try to sound nice.
You say things with "love" but when you break your love down,
it is only conditional, gut wrenching, and distasteful.
You say God loves us the most but if your Gods love is that kind of love,
I will believe in my God. The one who understands, the one who loves me.
I spent so long believing in you, depending on you.
In the end you had nothing left for me, I was left to fend for myself.
You had no answers for me because I wasn't born the way you wanted.
I wasn't born the way your God intended. I am a mistake to you.
I am broken.
For a while I believed in you. I tried my hardest to make sense.
What was the point to my existence? I must pretend. I like Men, but in order to be in the presence of God I must marry a woman.
Let me ask you, if the roles were flipped would you marry the same gender?
Imagine being told that your love for your wife was wrong. Imagine the fear of eternal damnation because of the one you love.
Imagine the leaders you were convinced and conditioned to love and follow,
were really just 21st century men with 20th century opinions.
We are taught not to read outside of the belief system, we are taught others are wrong. They don't have the full truth.
I ventured. I read. I investigated. Things are sugar coated, things are looked over. It makes sense now.
I feel better about my decision. I am not pointless. I have a place. My place is out side of this church and that is fine by me. My religion is love. Love without conditions. Love without limits.