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Wednesday, April 6, 2016

Done Living for Others Solace

When is one supposed to find themselves? We are born and brought up into families, religions, communities etc. We are taught various ideas and beliefs to then take on into our adult life. What happens when you truly discover yourself? or what happens when a person decides that there may be more to life than what you have been brought up to "know". Everyone seems to expect you to stay the same innocent person you were when you were young. I've come to the realization though that you do change. I spent so much time while I was young conforming and forming into something I knew I wasn't and now that I am confident to actually say what I feel people seem to think that I'm not the "same" person anymore... well truth is nobody is the same person they have ever been. We grow, we fall, we make mistakes, we make choices that others deem as mistakes.

I'm learning that there are some people who you can't voice your opinions with because they will just never see it from your perspective. I also know though that people think that way about me. People look at me and think/ sometimes say "Why can't you just live the way you were brought up?" or "Why can't you go back to who you used to be before you came out? You were so much happier and functioned better." Or I have even been compared to other LGBT individuals who grew up in the church. I am so sick of being compared to other people. It's like people expect all of us who grew up LDS to handle each tough situation the church throws at us the same way. I am finally to the point where I am willing to confess that I lied to everybody. I lied to myself, I lied to my family and I lied when I first started blogging. People I'm sure are going to be frustrated that I "tricked" them into following my blog. Really though? At the time that's what I believed! Or at least I was trying to believe that... After all, that's what I had been taught my whole life. How else was I supposed to handle this situation? Each situation is different. Each persons lives and beliefs are so different. Was I really happier and functioning better before I came out? Hell no. I would come home crying from school but I didn't always tell people about it because I didn't want to draw attention to what I was going through. I was scared to death about what was going to happen in the future. I told myself I would marry a woman and be happy but then I knew that meant I would have to eventually tell her I wasn't actually attracted to women but I was marrying her so I could be in the church completely. I understand that somehow this has worked or been an option for others but I just can not comprehend that. I don't believe a lot of the things that I was taught because my whole life I bottled up most of my thoughts and ideas. I was to scared to say what I had going on in my head because my beliefs have always been too liberal for people. I should not be told to live a certain way for the sake of other peoples happiness. That may sound harsh but is it really?

I will not live a lie any longer. You may think that I have lived a double standard, but really I was just figuring out my life as I went. I still don't have a set plan for my future but I do know what it is that I do and don't believe and it's not up to anyone else to dictate that for me. Not everybody has the same idea of happiness and that's OK. Have I gone through a lot lately? Sure I have. That doesn't mean I'm less happy then I was in the past. I would much rather be who I am today then who I was before because I was not me before. I was just busy being who everyone wanted me to be. 

Until next time,

Zac