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Saturday, August 22, 2015

Take Me To Church

Honestly I have been a lot happier after coming out, but then for other reasons I have been more confused and paranoid than I have ever felt in my life. I have reverted back to old habits, I have still had the same depressing thoughts, I have felt like people around me are just saying things that they want me to hear. Why have I had it so easy when others in the LDS community have it so hard after coming out? I have almost had an identity crisis because I don't know what to believe anymore. When people tell me to look forward to the future and get excited, I think "excited for what?" people who want me to say my husband is just my friend when I am around their kids? Or always feeling like I am seen as some gone astray Mormon, because how can you be fully active while "living the gay lifestyle?" Let me ask you though... Most of you who are reading this are probably straight. Some may be gay but do you look at your life as a "lifestyle" you chose? Were you born and at a certain age you decided "I'm going to live the straight lifestyle" No. That is not how the thought process works and it's the same as gay individuals. We don't just one day decide what "lifestyle" we are going to live. We just live. I guess I have just been confused and frustrated because I hear of people in the Mormon church and any Christian church who have been disowned, or kicked out, mocked, ridiculed, and I wonder why the hell? If only people could be made gay for a day and put through all the crap that gay, trans, and LGBT people of all types have to go through. The world would be such a loving place. Everyone would know what it's actually like hiding on the inside for so long. People would finally know what it's like to be looked down upon in your own church, people would finally know what its like to be an outcast.


Up until now I have been all for the beliefs of the LDS faith and I have just told myself "It's the culture that looks down on you, not the church." Recently however, The Boy Scouts of America have come out and said that they have decided to allow homosexuals to be in leadership positions in Boy Scouts. Naturally, after that statement was made the LDS church has said that they are thinking of leaving the organization that they have been with for over a century. I am not sure how this will positively effect the church because I remember hearing from multiple people growing up that if you are surrounded by people with the same beliefs then you are in the wrong place. What that was supposed to mean is that you need to be diverse and be around others with different beliefs so you can have more missionary experiences. I don't see how that works here though. Also, let me add that I am not even technically able to hold a calling or really do anything but go to church, so I have no Idea why they have even seen the need to bring this up because not homosexual individual would even be able to hold a calling in scouts anyways. It seems slightly pointless for them to even say this. The BSA is just simply saying they are allowing people to be in leadership positions because ones sexuality does not mean they are a child molester. Women are able to be in scouts and over the years there have been issues with women school teachers, amongst other jobs and callings right alongside men in the same positions who have all made poor decisions with minors. It's not your sexuality that depicts that you are a danger to youth. It is the character of an individual. Because of this topic I have had to tell myself that God is always understanding. He knows who I am. He knows who everyone is. It is man that is ignorant and not understanding of others. Mankind fears what they don't know, and some simply chose to never make an effort to understand. I seriously have no idea what the future has in store for me, I don't know what my life looks like in the church at the moment. I'm not saying I'm leaving it either. I just simply don't know what to think. I do know that I just need to focus on myself (easier said than done) and I need to focus on God. He is simply the only one who will ever know what I am truly going through. I love you all, and I know many of you may disagree with what I have said but that's ok. You aren't in my shoes to know how I am feeling about all of this. Just know that it's overly confusing and at times exhausting. I'm figuring it out though. Slowly but surely.


Until next time,


Zac :)