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Monday, April 27, 2015

Confessions of a Gay Mormon

As many of you know I have been going through a lot lately. When I say a lot I really do mean A LOT. I won't get too into it with you because it will literally make you so depressed you will not want to finish reading. I'm ok now though!

I know when I originally started this blog I stated that I had or was living with SSA. I have since then changed my stance. No I didn't change it, I am just now getting to the point where I am comfortable saying "yes. I am gay". Now, I have no idea what this means for me. As for right now I can not see myself marrying a guy or doing anything like that, but I do know that I have been really depressed because I have not felt completely like myself. I have felt lost and alone. I know my "changed point of view" will upset some people, and to be honest that's perfectly fine. You have no idea how hard this is for me or how hard it is staying in the church while also being crazy attracted to guys. I can not even count all of the nights ive cried myself to sleep, or the nights I did sleep and I just did not ever want to wake up. I grew up hating myself. I hated myself not because of how I was raised, or because of anyone specifically, but I hated myself because I liked guys and that's "an obomination".

I think when outsiders look into this situation or situations like mine, they just dispise gays, and any form of homosexual activity because they dont understand it, and they just don't want to. A lot of people see it as a choice. Why on earth would I choose this? That is the most outlandish thing I think anyone could say to a gay individual. There are actual emotions, feelings, and physical attractions that are all intertwined to this. I need an emotional connection, I want to be able to be effectionate with someone. I want to be comfortable in my own skin, and with my life.

I want everyone to know that I do plan on staying in the church. I just need to be open on here because that seems to help me be more comfortable. Sorry if this disappoints any of you, please don't send me messages trying to "save" me or "bring me back". I am here. This is me. I'm Zac and I am gay. 

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

This is My (Un)Suicide Letter

Dear friends and family,

This is NOT a suicide letter. This is however, a very open letter to everyone so you can all see how my life is not some amazing fairy tale.When I first started blogging on here, I felt like that was the way to be happy. Yay! everyone knows I'm attracted to boys. I thought that would somehow make life easier. It did too a point. I finally stopped caring about how people saw me. I no longer worried about what my style of the day was, or what fad I was going to follow. I just started dressing however the heck I wanted and I still do, because it feels so amazing to not care about other peoples opinions. One persons opinion that started being more prominent was mine, however. I started being my worst critic and saying the most negative things to myself and I started to believe it. On top of all of this, I stopped praying, I stopped reading scriptures, I stopped caring about the church and about the gospel therefore I began to slip away in all aspects.

I have had a good amount of suicidal thoughts throughout my life. Most of them were in high school when I seriously considered taking my own life. This last month began to be that bad. In the middle of March, I remember being so depressed beyond explanation. I was so angry at God because I was mad that I couldn't have any other challenge besides this, I was also angry because I had no idea what I was doing with my life (I still don't). I'll be honest, I have had relationships to a point, with men and women. Both in different aspects but still in a "relationship" setting. After those all ended I felt like I wouldn't be happy with men or with women. Am I attracted to men? yes... am I attracted to women? also yes.. Then why don't I see myself being able to settle down with either? What is the point of me being here? is there a point to life if I could very well end up just spending it all alone? These are the questions I was asking myself repeatedly. I remember not being able to move and I was just crying and I was a wreck. I walked into the bathroom, opened the medicine cabinet and pulled out my box of razor blades that go to my old fashioned razor. I opened the little paper envelope to the blade and contemplated if I really wanted to go through with this and how severe I wanted it to be. I was shaking and trembling. I looked up and saw myself in the mirror. That image all in itself stopped me in my tracks. I saw myself holding the blade and looking into my own eyes, I knew there was more to my life. There was more to life then for me to just kill myself or harm myself when I felt depressed. I put the blade away and I washed my face and went to bed.

After that happened I was still depressed on a pretty consistent basis. One night, I was with my friend and I began opening up and crying. I voiced how much I hated my life and how I almost cut myself again. This frightened my friend. Long story short, my parents found out and we were able to talk. I was able to tell them how this has become a little worse and I am done pretending.

I have no idea why I  felt like I couldn't talk to my parents about this. I guess I was just worried about making them sad and worried and I was afraid we wouldn't be able to just talk about it. I was completely wrong. A couple days later, my dad and I met up and were able to open up to each other. I told him that the reason I was always gone consistently at night and I was always with my friends was because I knew I could talk to them. I knew I could be completely open with them and I felt I couldn't open up 100% percent about my issues to my family. I told my dad that I would like to feel like I could just come to him and my mom and vent. I didn't want to have to worry about lectures or life lessons every time I wanted to come to them. Sometimes you just need to talk to someone and just have someone listen to your problems. He agreed with me and that evening has made me such a happier person.

There is so much more I could write about, but I feel like I have been open enough to the point that you all know whats going on in my life at the moment. I am working on getting to a happier place. I'm working on talking to my bishop, looking into a new therapy, and being more open with my parents. It is crazy how quickly your life can turn around. I stopped myself from doing something incredibly stupid. Imagine the outcome if I hadn't have stopped myself. I have no idea what the out come would have been for sure but I don't want to think about it. I know that I have people here that love me and care about me. ESPECIALLY my family. I am so incredibly blessed to have such amazing parents who have been so amazing from the beginning. I still don't know what the future holds for me but that's OK. I know I want a family. I want a wife and kids! Whether that happens or not... Who knows? I just have to have faith and keep pressing forward. I need to focus on one thing at a time and not let myself get overly stressed about the future.

I love you all and I hope you know I'm here for the long run! I am not going to give up. This is one fight that is definitely worth fighting for. Thank you so much for the continued love, support, and friendship. I love all of you and I cannot express that enough! Thank you for helping me feel so comfortable to open up about such personal stuff. Just know that it is in the past and it is not something to worry about. I know I have people to talk to and be honest with (my parents). I hope this was positive enough and not too depressing. I didn't want to keep being this super upbeat person on here. After a while it is obvious that something is being hidden so I figured it was about time I put it all out there.

Thank you again.

Sincerely,

Zac Jones