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Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Moving on From the Past

The topic of forgiviness has been on my mind alot lately. This last Sunday was Fast and Testimony Meeting, and someone spoke on the power of forgivness. I thought I had forgiven all who had wronged me, and caused me pain in Jr. High and Highschool but I hadnt. I was still holding in emotions and anger towards alot of people. One in particular. I went on facebook yesterday to look up the message I had sent to the individual who had shouted across campus to me in Jr High. I was very dissapointed in what I had said to him. My words were a horrible representation of me as a person and also a bad represention of someone striving to become fully active in the church. I decided to send another message and this is what I said  

"Dear, ******
I know you probably won't see this message, as you haven't seen the other ones I sent in the past. You have been on my mind off and on since I have began blogging. I was wrong to message you a few years ago. I was mad and hurt and I didn't know how to approach it. I wanted to show you how much I was ruined or how much I thought I was ruined. The truth is though, I grew from that experience. Whatever torment I went through from people in Jr high and High school helped me become the person I am today, and I am pretty happy where I am. I guess what I am saying is that I forgive you, and I feel horrible for sending those messages in the past. That was very immature of me. I don't know if i'll ever see you around but if I ever do just know there are no hard feelings. If you are interested at all, or if you haven't seen it yet, here is the link to my blog. I thought it was a good way for me to work through the stuff that I have gone through throughout my life."

After messaging him on Facebook, he actually responded to my message. We had a really great conversation actually, and it resulted in me feeling horrible. I felt horrible for holding onto a grudge for so long. Horrible for letting something so small effect how I saw myself, how I thought other people saw me, and I was finally able to let go. It is so crazy how you can say something about someone or to someone and you might not think anything of it. You might not think it effected the other person but they never forget it because they took it so personally. That was pretty much what happened with me. I had held on to this hatred for a good 7 years and he went on living his life. Sure what was said was rude, and hurtful but why did I let it effect me so much? I think I realize why. I wanted someone to blame. Besides hating myself, I needed to blame someone for how miserable I was feeling. I knew there were rumors but I didn't know who started them so I blamed him for all of my misery and turmoil since he was the one who vocalized it to me. 

I hope we are all able to look at our lives and do some self evaluating. We are our own worst enemy at times and we let what others say about us get to our minds a little too easily. It has taken me forever to learn this and I know I don't fully comprehend it but I am getting there, slowly but surely. Emotionally, and mentally I have been through a lot. I do know however that my experiences have helped me grow so much. Sometimes it may seem like your world is falling apart, or you may just want to have one day at school where you can feel completely comfortable in your skin and not worry about if the whispers in the halls are about you or not. I spent so much time throughout my Jr High and High school years just coming home and crying in the bathroom or laying in my bed at night not wanting to wake up to the new day. At the same time though I know that I grew during those emotionally trying times. I am not saying that I am perfect in this category. I still struggle with how I see myself to a point. After posting my first blog entry on here I started being paranoid about how the guys and some girls around me saw me. I don't want to be seen as a project and I don't want people to think that I am making a mistake in choosing this lifestyle. I am simply choosing to live the way I know to be right. 

I love this gospel and I wouldn't change it for the world. If this gospel and the church didn't make me happy then I wouldn't be in it still. Granted, I have had my challenges and my fare share of mess ups and multiple second chances but I still come back to the gospel every time. I don't see what the point to life would be if we didn't have guidelines or "restrictions" as some would say. Without those, there would be no way to mess up and learn. There would be no point to life on earth if we didn't see sins as sinful. I know that some may disagree with me and that is totally ok. We are all given agency to believe what we believe and to have our own opinions. That's the beauty of life. We are all so different from each other. Life would be boring if we had the same opinions.

Wow, I kind of went on a tangent there. Anyways! Back to the topic of forgiveness. 

I have decided that the next time I am finding it hard to forgive someone who I feel has wronged me, I need to remember Christ. He was killed by his own people and he forgave. Why would any of us be an exception? If He was able to forgive his own people for killing him, I know we can all find it in us to forgive those who have wronged us in any way. This is not an easy task by any means but I know we can all try. By doing so, I know we will all become better individuals.

Until next time,
Zac